I wasn't sure if I wanted to share much information about this here, but I didn't want to not talk about it. I think in some ways for me it's like marking a place in time and moving on from that point.
Earlier this week I had a miscarriage. Unlike Theo, we planned for this pregnancy. We were just at the end of first trimester and feeling pretty excited and had started telling friends and family. On Wednesday things weren't feeling right, so I saw my doctor so that he could tell me what to expect when (if) I did miscarry (but he wasn't much help because he kept reassuring me that it would be fine). I woke up at 2am on Thursday morning because one of our cats was knocking at the door to be let in. If he hadn't have woken me up I may have just miscarried entirely while I was asleep and not known until morning because I was in no pain.
I had to spend some time in hospital due to excessive bleeding and I had the loveliest older male emergency nurse named Adam who made my time there 110% better than it would have been (I'd love to write him a note to thank him for his loveliness and jokes and fantastic bedside manner). I had some horrible procedures but received fantastic care and headed home feeling okay. The day after I got home from hospital though my whole body was in so much pain, I couldn't turn my head in bed, let alone get out of it. I called one of the nurses I'd had and she said I should definitely come back into emergency. When I did go in (in extreme pain) I had a terrible experience with a male triage nurse basically telling me I was a hypochondriac and yelling at me for dropping my cup of water (I haven't decided yet if I'll write the angry letter to the hospital that's in my head).
I'm feeling a lot better a couple of days on and while at the time I felt pretty pragmatic about the whole thing, I am feeling pretty down at the moment but I know it'll get better. I'm feeling a bit uneasy about the inevitable conversations I still have to have with people who knew I was pregnant, but I'm heading back to uni and work this coming week and I feel really good about that.
And I know we'll have another child sometime.
Here are five things that made me smile over the past few days:
+ My gorgeous emergency nurse Adam who called me "Queen B".
+ Theodore took his first, single, solitary step! (He knew I needed that joy)
+ I saw several dogs in jackets, they always make me happy.
+ I bought some pretty new plants for my kitchen windowsill.
+ Going for a drive to the Evandale Markets and seeing snow on the mountains.
I've turned off comments on this post. I guess I just want this post to sit here by itself, for myself. If you do feel like you need to talk to me, you are welcome to send me an email. Thank you, as always, for reading my blog, I appreciate your support. I hope to be back soon.
Ps. If you've bought one of my zines, they're ready and will be in the post early next week.