List: Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

You've probably seen blogs with this title floating around the internet lately. I saw it first by Ez on her blog Creature Comforts a few months ago, wherein she wrote about the disparity between true reality and the presentation of reality on blogs. It has been called a 'viral blogging campaign about transparency, fear and anxiety' and I found what it prompted from (hundreds of) bloggers really interesting.

 I do feel that when I first started this blog (its purpose was to be somewhere to document things happening in my life for future reference) I disclosed a lot more. I definitely don't think I'm dishonest or unrealistic on my blog, but I don't think I disclose everything I'd like to, for fear of judgement or rejection or just simply because I don't know how to word what I want to say. I am an anxious person by nature and I do care what people think of me. I think it is natural to want to present one's best self and on the internet we have the fortunate ability to curate what we do and don't share (I definitely say less embarrassing things here than in my real life), but I think it is important to show those highs and lows. I just thought I'd share a couple of those things I'm afraid to tell you, some serious and some silly.

+ I spoil books for myself by always reading the last page before I'm finished.

+ I am afraid of wrinkles. I am afraid of balloons. I am afraid of escalators. I am (horribly) afraid of tornadoes. I am afraid of mess.

+ I am an atheist. I often feel uncomfortable about disclosing my "lack of faith" to people because the word atheist seems to come loaded with a lot of negative connotations. I follow a lot of blogs by people who are very open about their religious beliefs and I respect that. I find religion really interesting. I have never been to a church service and have only stepped in side one once or twice. My parents were not religious (my mum became a Buddhist two years ago) and their parents were not religious. I definitely don't dislike religion or religious people and I am very curious about religions, I just don't have one myself. I don't think any better or any worse of people because they are or aren't religious. Sometimes I have felt like I missed out not being born into any particular religion. Sometimes I have felt like my friends born into religion got the answer sheet before the exam, while I'm left here looking at the test paper with no idea, haha. Some of my friends went to Catholic school and rebelled against their Catholic upbringings, some found religion later in life and I also have a friend who is training to be a minister. I just don't find that any religion in particular really connects with me and I don't feel like I need one. I just live my life being the best person I can be and treat people the way I'd like to be treated.

+ It is likely that I will never offer advertising/sponsorship of any sort on this blog.

+ I cry embarrassingly easily. I cry when I am angry. I cry at the movies and at tv shows all the time and I pretend I'm not to my boyfriend, ha.

+ I don't find The Big Bang Theory funny. At all. Am I doing it wrong?

+ I am always in some amount of chronic pain. It's obviously not a very uplifting thing to talk about with people, so I usually try to make jokes about it to make people feel less bad, but it kind of makes it sound worse, ha. My doctor and I have talked about a disorder called Fibromyalgia over the last few years but I can't really afford to go to a specialist just to get that diagnosis when there is really no treatment. I just try to eat well and sleep well and try to only take heavy painkillers when it's most necessary.

+ I am not comfortable in my own skin and my appearance is (stupidly) the cause of a lot of my anger at myself. I remember reading a great post by Kate of Scathingly Brilliant about beginning to share photos of her outfits on her blog and that it helped in building more self esteem about her appearance (I can't remember the specific post, but I hope my paraphrasing was pretty much correct) and I felt a lot the same. I initially found the idea of posting photos of my body on the internet nightmarish, but I really like dressing up and I love the clothes in my wardrobe and it feels good to feel good about what you're wearing and share that with other people and see what they're wearing. I am overweight and I'd like not to be one day.

+ I don't think I'm a very good blogger, but I enjoy doing it. I will never do this as a career and I do it for myself foremost, so I try to place no expectations upon myself to create constant content or compare myself to other bloggers.

+ Every night before bed I feel very anxious and depressed. I think this usually pertains to my feelings of not having achieved enough during the day and going to bed late. I often feel like my anxiety is a weakness and that I let it ruin my life but I am so grateful for being with someone who understands this and just provides the most comforting, supportive place for me to be.

+ A friend of mine at work (who didn't know me very well at the time) said to me recently "gosh, you must have lead a sheltered life!" because my responses are often optimistic. I actually felt strangely good about that statement - like it was a badge of honour - someone thinking I'm "normal" when I've always felt like anything but as a result of my life experiences, like I'm too weird. I won't list those particular life experiences, but it felt good to not feel like a victim of my circumstances, to be a happy and positive person regardless (of and in spite) of them. You choose what experiences you build yourself from.

+ I would really like to have children in the next three years. It feels 'wrong' to feel this way when I don't feel certain about what I'd like to do career-wise.

+ Miley Cyrus is my least favourite celebrity.

+ My job heightens my feelings of social retardation. Attempting to make small talk with 150 people in two-minute intervals each day sounds like my worst nightmare, but I am getting better at it. I find being genuine and cheerful works best but I often get asked "why are you so happy?".

+ I once walked head first into a basketball hoop pole while texting and gave myself a concussion but kept on walking pretending that nothing happened and I'm pretty sure someone must have seen me.

I'm totally not offended if you didn't read that all, but it felt good to lay it all out. If you have done a TIATTY post or do one in the future please let me know, I'd love to read it. I think everyone should give it a go :)