List | Theodore 3 Weeks

(A photo from our third day in the hospital. I sent it as a postcard to a couple of relatives as a birth notice).

+ Big dark blue eyes (slowly changing to grey)
+ Perfect little upturned nose
+ Rosebud lips
+ Cheeks dotted with milk spots
+ Long (cold!) feet
+ Likes to be carried around in a wrap, falls straight to sleep
+ Long blonde eyelashes
+ No eyebrows
+ A swirl of light brown hair
+ Skin that smells delicious
+ Snores in his sleep
+ Big soft marshmallow cheeks
+ Hates being changed or being naked (C and I call him a 'never nude')
+ Enjoys our pram outings (has been to Milkbar several times)
+ Hates being swaddled
+ Long fingers with sharp fingernails that grow too fast
+ Very strong, holds his head up by himself for long periods of time and lifts himself up on his arms and knees during 'tummy time' - I have a feeling crawling is not really so far away
+ Makes adorable smiles in his sleep
+ Has many upsetting belly aches :(
+ Enjoys sleeping on top of me on his belly while I lay down (more often than not this is the only way to get him to fall asleep and I can't move him from this position or he'll cry!)

Hello hello! I have not forgotten about this little blog of mine. I hope that blogging will be something I can get back into the swing of in the next few weeks as it is a really important creative outlet for me and I really enjoy and value connecting with the blogging community.

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Of course, I don't have a lot of time to write about things right now, but it's important to me to take time to share and document how I've been feeling lately. I'm not sure that I can really articulate it very well, but I suppose I do feel that I am not a natural at this parenting thing. Sure, I can feed, change and soothe this little baby of mine without too much difficulty, but I find it a real struggle to feel happy each day. I feel hopeless and lost and I cry a lot, and that in turn comes with a weight of guilt about it. I know that (to some degree) these swirling feelings are normal and all part of adjusting, but that doesn't make it much easier. I don't feel much like myself and I know that I need to find time to take care of myself (did I shower yesterday or the day before...?) and to do things that make me feel like me. I feel quite isolated, and despite family and friends interstate only being a phone call away, I can't help but wish that I had more meaningful connections closer to home. I suppose the reality of motherhood doesn't exactly match up with my initial expectations, or I feel like I'm not living up to my expectations. C is a perfect partner and it feels like all of this stuff comes naturally to him. I said to him tonight before he went to work "you should be the Mum!". I know that this kind of stuff doesn't make for very appealing blog posting and I wish so much that I could write a bunch of blog posts each week documenting the joys and delights of parenthood and each little milestone and outing. Despite feeling guilty for being unhappy and complaining about things, sharing these feelings is kind of cathartic and I hope that over the next few weeks I can find ways to become better at being a happy, attentive parent who also has time for her own interests and needs. I do know that it is early days and I'll eventually find my groove. Thanks for reading and if you leave me a comment, thank you in advance, I wish I had more time to respond. Here is another picture for good measure... (one of those sleepy smiles I mentioned earlier).

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